Veronica has seemed like a new baby this past week. Not new in the sense of her age, but new in the sense of different.
For starters, she's pretty much started sleeping through the night. This began about 5 nights ago, right about the time I had reached my wit's end. I went to bed last Wednesday night, feeling like it was pointless to do so because she was only going to wake up in 45 minutes, but then she didn't. She slept for almost 4 hours instead, woke up once to nurse, and went right back to sleep for another 4 hours. And it's been like that every night since. I feel like a new person as a result, both of us reinvented by sleep.
Also in this last week she's really discovered the world around her. She smiles at me and Greg constantly, lighting up her whole face with big grins that cause both of us to bend over her, cooing and opening our mouths wide with encouragement. She's even making new sounds -- little babbles and strange cries that seem to actually signal something other than a desire to nurse.
I can't tell you how fun it is to look down at her in the morning and have her look back at me and smile. It's such a different experience than the baby she's been the last month -- it's really nice to finally be recognized and acknowledged by this little creature who has taken over my life.
Greg and I marked our first year of marriage yesterday. In the morning we went to Lula for brunch, Veronica considerately sleeping through the entire experience, but then taking revenge by screaming the whole way home and through a stop at Trader Joe's. We spent the afternoon at home working on writing projects and napping. All of it, a far cry from our life a year ago when we recited vows to each other on Cape Cod with family and friends.
Greg and I talked at brunch about our favorite experiences from our first year of marriage. Costa Rica, canvassing for Obama and giving birth to our daughter coming in as the top three. As Greg and I settle into parenthood, something we are both still processing is the end of our time together as a couple. After such a whirlwind courtship, engagement and marriage, we really gave ourselves so little time before introducing such a huge change to our lives. Both of us can't help but mourn the passing of our quiet life together.
It's a confusing feeling though. Sometimes (like at 3AM when I'm up and in the nursery) I find myself thinking about what it would have been like to have waited another year before getting pregnant, what it would have been like to have had another whole year of having Greg all to myself. My mind starts to wander over the places we would have gone together, the things we could have done. But then I inevitably come back to the realization that if we had taken that year, we never would have had Veronica. We might have had some other baby, sure, but not Veronica. And I can't imagine not having her.
Writing about all this brought tears to my eyes just now, but when I looked down at Veronica in my lap she gave me the biggest smile, her nose crinkling up and her eyes bright and happy and I couldn't help but laugh and smile back her, tears dripping off my cheeks and onto her onesie.
Life is huge and complicated and amazing. And I'm just beginning to learn that having a child will remind you of that every day.
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Oh, and check out Greg's interview with author Stephen Elliott on The Nervous Breakdown.
