Yesterday, after I posted my two-month letter to V, I got a text from a friend saying that she was thinking about me. I racked my brains for a minute to figure out what was special about the day. And then I remembered. So I wrote another letter.
Dear Veronica,
I already wrote you a letter today, to commemorate your 2-month birthday, but then a friend reminded me that today is also the day that my father died 6 years ago. I had completely forgotten and was shocked to realize I had done so. And then I felt a kind of warmth at knowing that it's because of you that I'm not focusing on such sad events.
You woke up from a nap just a bit ago and were disoriented and startled so I held you in my arms in the rocker in your nursery until your breathing evened and your head fell softly against my chest. We were both quiet then and I could tell you were drifting off to sleep. I thought about that day 6 years ago when my father died and I couldn't help but cry, wiping my tears with one of your burp rags.
I wish so much that he were here to meet you today. He was the sweetest man, so kind and patient and really, truly wise. He would have loved to meet you.
My last days with him were so sweet and so sad. He died at home in his condo in California and I was there, taking care of him. We held hands a lot those last days and were quiet for long hours, sitting there together in the late afternoon gloom of his bedroom.
On the last day that he was truly conscious, he reached out his hand as I sat beside him and he touched my face. I closed my eyes and let him run his fingers over my cheeks and eyelids, my nose and chin. And only now do I understand what it must have felt like for him to do so. As I sit here with you in my arms, running my own fingers across your cheeks, it breaks my heart to imagine how I could ever do that knowing it would be the last time.
When he was finished my father looked at me and said, "Life is worth living," but it is only now, only since you have been in my life, that I truly understand what he must have felt in that moment.
Thank you for giving me that.
Love, Mom
